My Eternal Demon
by Kyuuketsuki-san
Summary: Who is the man behind the demon of the Shinsengumi? Hijikata is tormented by his own troubles and finds himself helpless. Oneshot...maybe. A bit dark.


Yes, peeps. I have decided to write a fic of another anime. This is a one shot, but it might develop depending on the responses it may get. I have no idea what the outcome will be people so just bear with me here. It's a little dark so please no flames.

**My Eternal Demon**

Hijikata Toshizo shot up into a sitting position on his futon. Sweat dripped from his chin and a few salty droplets threatened to trickle into his eye. He wiped his forehead shakily and tried to calm his irregular breathing by concentrating on the silence of the warm summer night.

This was one of many nightmares he often awoke from...nightmares that haunted him…nightmares that terrified him.

Had they been nothing but fictitious, he would have dwelt no more on these mere visions of fantasy. However, these nightmares were _real_ but not in the sense of their content being existent in the material world. They contained memories; fragments of his past that chose to paw at his mind and disturb his sleep.

Before his position as vice commander, Hijikata had had a life of his own, a life he greatly valued but as violence swept over the country, blood and gore replaced his appreciation for life transforming it into an inexplicable thirst for justice…and vengeance. His sword became his companion and killing a necessity to obtain the things he wanted or in some cases eliminating obstacles in his path. Before he knew it, he had turned into something dark, something sinister and now it was almost impossible to let in a little ray of light.

Hijikata sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. He tried to remember what it was like before he was overcome by the darkness. As he closed his eyes, he recalled the faces of his most trusted colleagues; Kondo, Yamanami, Souji…

He opened his eyes. _Souji. Thank kami for Souji._

Okita Souji was the only person who could brighten up his otherwise gloomy disposition. Hijikata was well aware that Souji had secrets that were more or less as disturbing as his own yet it didn't stop the young man enjoying life to its fullest extent. Which wasn't very long.

Hijikata felt a lump rise in his throat as he remembered the conversation with the town doctor after Souji's rather frightening attack of coughs. Only snippets of the doctor's words came back to him now, since at the time he was still unable to accept Souji's inevitable fate.

"…_he is suffering from a very serious illness…Tuberculosis…greatly affects the lungs…treatments to help with the pain…no cure… I'm sorry…"_

After recovering from the initial shock Hijikata was able to face Souji who seemed as cheerful as anything. Not bringing himself to tell the truth, and he didn't think himself capable of doing so anyway, he only told Souji that the doctor had recommended a special treatment to help him get better. That was all. Souji received this with a smile and playfully scolded Hijikata for worrying too much about him. The vice commander had said nothing.

Hijikata was already familiar with the disease and its treatment thanks to his previous occupation as a pharmacist but he was in no way prepared to hear that his colleague and friend was going to die. Souji was like a little brother to him, he had known him since he was nine so it was only right for him to feel concern. But he in no right frame of mind was going to mourn him. He would rather die first.

Hijikata ran his fingers through the loose strands of hair that didn't quite reach his ponytail. Thinking of these things didn't really help him sleep, which was something he really needed. He had many pending discussions that had to be continued the next morning with Kondo before he left for the capital and in addition to that, further reports to be confirmed on the incident at the Shimabara. Hijikata dragged a hand slowly down his face and lay back down upon his futon.

The sound of the crickets and distant snores relaxed him as he stared into the velvety darkness. He turned to his side.

But no matter how hard he tried, no matter how often he tried, he could never get rid of the demons that resided within him.

_Demons…_

Despite everything, he smirked at the word. He almost laughed out loud at the irony of his nickname. 'The demon vice commander' or 'the demon of the Shinsengumi'. They certainly were fitting, given his state of mind.

He frowned. Was he a demon? Was that the reason why he felt nothing every time the cold blade of his sword sliced through the bodies of his enemies? Was the feeling of remorse so very alien to him?

Hijikata clenched his sheets tightly. _No_.

But it was no use telling himself otherwise. Other than the concern he felt for Souji, he was incapable of feeling anything else but sweet satisfaction when heads rolled.

He heaved another sigh and tried to go back to sleep. He wondered what the others would think of him now, in his most vulnerable state. They would probably believe he was going soft. But they had absolutely no idea what thoughts crossed his mind at the darkest of hours and he certainly wasn't going to share anything.

_I am in hell._

That was almost true. He would often find himself falling into a never ending abyss of inner pain and shadows…shadows of his past and of his present. He felt threatened by them. Threatened by what they would turn him into, that is, if there was any further stage of his transformation into something so utterly ominous.

_And no one can help me. Not even Souji._

Souji wasn't even long for this world. Hijikata refused to burden him with troubles that were small in comparison to the awful, degenerating illness the young captain was suffering from, not even aware that his very life was gradually slipping away.

Hijikata knew there was no use talking to Kondo about what haunted his dreams. That man would never understand what he was going through despite their many years of friendship.

And then there was Yamanami…

No, Yamanami was always on a different plane. Always opposed, always afraid.

_I'm alone. Completely alone._

Hijikata pulled the bed covers up slightly. He shivered despite it being a warm night.

His shoulders began to heave lightly and a quiet sob escaped his lips.

This was how it was nearly every night of his adult life.

…_And still no one understands,_

…_what it's like,_

…_to be a demon._

OooOooOooOoo

A/N: I wrote this on a whim. I just wanted Hijikata to be known as something other than what he is claimed to be. You have to admit, it's a whole other side of him. I just wanted that side out there. Please R&R! I might continue depending on your comments!


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